Sarajevo

Oh Sarajevo (a poem)

Those born by you could hardly imagine else other than you Those born not by you could hardly imagine else after meeting you Only a stranger could appreciate your beauty as much as I do Those sunny days of yours warmed by your elevated closeness to the skies Those cool nights of yours aired by the circumventing winds of your valley Only if your mountains moved away could thy protection leave me Those magnificent minarets of yours ever calling me for worship Those dendritic springs of yours that never cease to quentch my thirst Only if I could do miracles could I transform else to you Oh Sarajevo, may I never need to find else other than you ====================== - Kazem O., July 2009

The Siege of Sarajevo

I found this following personal account of a woman in Sarajevo describing her life in war on a website. For this woman it was not an ethnic war, but I am not sure whether I would say the same.

A survivor of the Bosnian war, Elma Dizdar spoke with Zubeida Mustafa on overcoming the traumas of the war. When the Serbian army attacked the capital of Bosnia in April 1992, Elma was a 20-year-old student, studying languages and philosophy at the University of Sarajevo. She and her family did not leave their home throughout the war and braved the hardship of the siege —the longest in history .

Here is Elma’s story:“It was April 6, 1992, Eid for the Muslims of Bosnia, when the Yugoslav army struck. The Serbian soldiers had been taking up position on the hills surrounding Sarajevo since winter and we sensed that something out of the ordinary was taking place. However, we never really anticipated a war. Yugoslavia was a multi-ethnic society but we had never been conscious of our ethnic distinctiveness. Many of my friends were Serbs and Croats with whom I had grown up, and none of us believed that we would fight each other.“When the war came, it was not really an ethnic war. Neither was religion an issue. Under Communism, the Muslims, as well as the Christians, could not practise their faith openly. Hence our parents like many others, never taught their children about religion. They didn’t want to confuse us.“There had been tension and rumours were rife. Kosovo, Croatia, Slovenia had seen fighting, but the Serbs, Croats and Muslims in Bosnia were closely knit and war seemed so remote, at least to me. We didn’t know about the Greater Serbia plan Milosevic had been drawing up.

”When the Yugoslav army attacked, we were shocked beyond belief. I remember being glued to the TV watching the unarmed students marching towards the bridge across the River Miljacka, which separated the city from the hills. Suddenly the shooting started and a young medical student fell dead. She became the first Bosnian victim of the war. Then came the explosions and the firing. The war had started.“Sarajevo was under siege and the people were under attack. We were always haunted by the fear of death. People were being killed and one didn’t know who would be the next victim. Bloodstained streets became a common sight for us. Friends were struck by snipers’ bullets and died before our eyes. Going to the university was an ordeal. It involved an hour’s walk through sniper fire — petrol was a luxury only for senior administrators of the city. The biggest act of kindness to me in those days was being offered a lift by someone in a car — it cut short the time of exposure to the bullets.“We knew that if we tried to create some semblance of normality in our lives it would help us stay sane. Hence this effort to keep up university life, even though most of the faculty had gone. But those who were there went out of their way to help by teaching us and lending their own books to us. The schools were kept going by setting up small classes in sheltered spots in every locality so that the children did not have to go out and get exposed to the snipers. It was the teacher who took the risk and walked miles to reach the children in an improvised school. Yet most people were so gripped by fear and depression that they simply refused to leave their basements where they spent their time round the clock.“To make matters worse, there was no electricity or heating for months at a stretch. The first winter (in 1992) we just burnt whatever we could lay our hands on - even our summer shoes and clothes because it was so cold that it was difficult to believe that the weather would change again to warm our shivering bodies. There was so little food to eat that we were starving and people shriveled away. Whenever the humanitarian aid arrived, it brought hope of more food.“The physical hardship and the constant feeling of fear apart, the worst aspect of the war was that it robbed people of their self-esteem. It was degrading and dehumanizing. It was humiliating to line up for food to be doled out. With the economy totally shattered, no one was paid for the work he did. Yet we continued working because it kept us functional. By focusing on our survival, we could keep ourselves going.

“It might seem strange to the outside world, but the fact is that for us in Sarajevo this was a war to save our city. We were Sarajevans first and Muslims or Serbs or Croats later. That is why it was a multi ethnic group, which defended the city. There were cases of a Serb fighting his own brother in the Yugoslav army. It was a sense of 'belongingness' we all felt for Sarajevo.”“Once the war started and the battle lines were drawn, I never wanted to leave. I could have gone away and made a comfortable life for myself in the West. But I knew it would have created moral dilemmas for me which I would never have resolved. Besides I knew that we were not fighting an ethnic war. The war was not against the Serbs. There were many Serbs on our side too and they fought alongside us. They shared our rage when we discovered that the attacks were directed against the children. How could I go away? I had to stay back and defend the city and help the children survive the trauma. I am proud of my people who survived the horrors of the war and continue to be functional.”

La Lucha

I am sucked into reading the biography of my hero. In fact I would not mind laying around the house reading the biography of Che Ernesto Guevara, all 745 pages of it. I find him so extremely heroical and inspirational. And if you take away the politics of it all and take away whatever political polarity you find yourself on you will see that behind the politics the message, sacrifice, intention and purely the CHARACTER of this man is fascinating.

While I am reading the beginning of his life during childhood and college years I find myself intrigued by all the adventures he went on as a young adult. In fact I am taken back to the movie, Motorcycle Diaries in which his early life was so well portrayed and also by such wonderful landscape. Reading that chapter of his life in the book I can actually imagine it by just thinking about the movie, and it seems even more real.

I am captivated by the fact that he just left off with his friend and started traveling around latin america more often than not scrounging their way through, and sleeping in unimaginable places, hungry, while at other times they managed to become acquaintances of powerful, important people who took them in and showed them a hell of a good time. Sometimes I wish that I was able to do something like that, it would be so wonderful. Although I plan to do something similar when I finish Medical School (became a doctor without borders and help the unprivileged and forgotten). Although I will be doing it as a much older person.

It is very well known that Che Ernesto suffered episodes of severe asthma. Despite that he did not live what I like to call a passive life. He was known from an early age to be daring and fearless, one attribute that the author notes is inherited from his mother who was the same way and a stark contrast to their passive, overly cautious father. One of his fearlessness was eluted to in the book when he jumped into the Amazon river and swam across it! This from a man that has severe asthma, it took him 2 hours to swim across the Amazon, which according to my sources is about 190 km wide. During this episode his friends just stood at the side line screaming at him to come back and not to pursue the danger of swimming across the largest river in the world.

Another interesting fact that intrigued me so far in the book, among so many, is the fact that Che was EXTREMELY well read person. By the time he was 22 years old he had numerous, numerous books, in fact some of the books cited I have never even heard. He read books by french authors such as Victor Hugo or Emile Zolo, in their native tongue. He read poetry, political books, social books, philosophical, you name it he had read it. He read books and poetry from various authors, including french, german, indian and many latin american. His favorite poet was Pablo Naruda.
Well, I must say once again I was astonished, I thought I was well read, but now I see that is nothing compared to Che by the time he was only 22 years old.

One more thing that is a lesson learned is the fact that it is not only important for us to read in order to enlighten our view of the world and in order to have informed, unshakable perspectives, but it is as important to write and reflect on our world and the way we see it. Che for example, always kept a diary, even when he was traveling he would write down everything, he would write poetry, he even wrote a book to his father when he was 20 and way before he became a revolutionary. Now of course all his diaries are published and I can't wait to read them. But do you think Che knew that more than twenty years after his diary will be read by people who revere him? Why did he write, what was the purpose to that? Because every intellectual writes, by writing we learn to communicate, we learn to integrate knowledge in order to shape a perspective and to write it down, we learn how to more effectively express ourselves...



So of course, I have made a list of all the books he has read, many of which I have never heard of and have decided to read them as well, including of course the diaries his father and his Cuban wife Aleida published. Another interesting fact is that Che kept quotes of lines he has read, which is exactly what I have been doing for many years.

The photo above was taken of Che when he was giving a speech in 1964. His speech in itself is captivating, but I love the quote he gives at the end: "Patria o muerte." When people such as me have been displaced from their homeland due to war and when so many have died defending it this particular quote strikes a deep, painful note.

Restless

I feel so incredibly restless today. I can't concentrate even though I still have to study. I barely managed to drag myself to the KAPLAN test center to take a practice MCAT test, after I finished I hurried home. And now I am jumping from one thing to the other, never finishing anything but starting a few things. It makes me mad that I can't concentrate because I have to go through this test and figure out where my mistakes are. I am thinking to skip Yoga tomorrow because I the test date is approaching. And maybe all of this is just my way of exhibiting nervousness for what is to come in January. But this time I just can't afford this nervousness.

I think that this restfulness and unconscious nervousness is just a symptom of my anxiety for the test day. Lately, I have been horrible hurrying everywhere and forgetting things. This is what happens when you try to cheat time and you do not let things progress naturally. It is bad when you are at home and decide to go grocery shopping because you need this and that but once you step into the grocery store you forget why you are there. That is what has frequently been happening to me. About a month or more ago I started writing things down that I needed to buy or things that I needed to do in order not to forget.

Right now I just feel like putting my coat and start walking, where to I don't know I just feel like I need to walk, to exercises my body in order to thing clearly. In fact, maybe I should go to the gym if not to Yoga tomorrow. It might do me some good.

It's already time for the holidays

These holidays came way to fast for me this year. I don't celebrate Christmas but I do celebrate the New Year. And every year that the New Year comes it leaves me reminiscing about the past and I become nostalgic about the past. It makes me reflect on the past year and every time I feel that I have not accomplished enough in the past year. That's why I don't like all these holidays. Last year, though I was in Mexico and at that time I was excited about the new year to come. I guess I was in a new place for the first time and I was curious to learn about their culture, and New Year's traditions that I did not have the time to reflect on myself.

And that's a good thing.

Wednesday just before the day of the Christmas Eve, Minnesota was showered with a snow fall. But the snow this time was actually pleasant, this was mostly because it was not cold outside. On Wednesday I left work early (we received verbal permission from our manager) and I had a couple of things to do. I wanted to finish gift shopping for my family. The gifts are not for Christmas but for our Eid celebration that happened a few weeks back. I always get them something for Eid but this Eid I did not get them anything since I had no money. So I was driving around and was stuck in traffic here in Uptown. It was insane the snow was falling, everyone trying to do their Christmas shopping, that I decided to go back to my apartment and park my car and just walk everyone where I needed to go. That was after I hauled some groceries into my apartment. Than I started walking and my first destination was the Starbucks
on Hennepin. Once I started walking I realized that actually this place was not as close as I thought. After Starbucks I turned around and walked the opposite direction to Victoria's Secret. It was so wonderful walking in the snow and there was something romantic about it. And I can't believe it but I was sad that I did not have someone next to me to share that with, that moment on that day walking in the snow.

Either way, I got all the gifts that I wanted and once I got home I was surprised how tired I felt. I wrapped the gifts and sat down to watch some TV. Ambriz called and even though the roads were really bad outside he wanted to come and see me before he leaves for Denver the next day. When he came we played the Monopoly card game I had bought a few days earlier at a Walgreen's. I was surprised how into the game he became and wanted to beat me so badly. It was very amusing to see him getting worked up about something. Anyways, shortly thereafter he left to drive back through the snow to his house and that was that.

Next day I had to get my car out of the snow and it was a pain in the ***. Before that though, I took the picture you see here from my apartment building. It was nice outside so white and the snow was not yet dirty. That same day, I made it to my parents house and they were happy to see me. I gave them the presents and they were happy about them. Since they did not get me anything (they don't have to, since this is my little thing for Eid) Aida had a shirt that she bought at Arden B for herself and decided to give it to me. Which was really sweet of her. She is a very kind person. The following day we went to see Sherlock Holmes with the whole family. I managed to get the last tickets, as soon as I had paid the cashier he announced to everyone that the show was sold out and it made me feel excited that I had managed to get the last tickets! It was however, difficult to find good seats since the movie theater was completely full even though it was 30 minutes before the start of the movie. Well, I guess it is the busiest day for the movie theater business.

First Snow Storm of the Season

Ok, so they tell us that a huge snow Storm is coming, some say it might be the biggest one in a decade (there I am quoting some morning show whose name I cannot recall right now). And I am stuck at work, I so don't want to be here at the moment. I am super tired and on top of that it is snowing outside and I can't stop thinking about my commute home. I will be stuck here for at least another hour. It is 4:30 now and at 5pm we have a teleconference with a couple of investigators from 5 to 6 pm. Of course a couple of people have already bailed out, ohh its my kids hokey practice today, oh I have a small child at home, and of course some people are out of town. I want ot say; hey I will miss my Yoga practice that I look forward to each week! I hope that the teleconference does not end up going a whole hour. In the mean time it already feels so deserted here, and I can hear people leaving. I guess I am new here anyways maybe I could get away by saying, hey I cant miss Yoga gotta go.

Strengths Finder

My new manager at work made me take this Strengths Finder assessment test. She also gave me the book. The assessment of about 120 phrases one has to answer indicating how much the phrases resembled the person, using descriptors such as "Strongly Agree" "Agree" and "Neutral." The following were my top 5 strengths:

Learner
Achiever
Input
Maximizer
Intellection

Each of these strengths has a description in the book and afterwards for each strengths suggestions are given in what one might excel in or how one should attempt to perfect the strength. When I started reading the description of "Input," the description went something like, "you are a collector you collect things.." I was shocked at that point because it seemed like a stranger was telling me true things about me. Yes, so I am a collector, of books, a collector of postcards and a collector of interesting quotes. And therefore, I would like to share the following quotes.

"Life is a deep sleep, of which love is a sweet dream."

Dr. Chopra says his mother told her two sons that they have two girlfriends-
The goddess of wisdom and the wealth. If they woed the goddess of wisdom, she told them, the goddess of wealth would get jealous and pursue them.

"The superiority of the learned man ove the mere pious is like the superiority of the moon when it is full over all the stars." -The Kuran



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Updates

I feel as if I have not written a long time. But when I logged into the website I saw that my last post was October 25th. So it has not been really that long.

The reason I guess, that I have not written is that I have been busy and also have not been inspired by much lately. I finished the book I was reading (The Road to Mecca) which was very interesting and inspirational. Now I am reading Dr.Chopra's new book "Reinventing the New You, Resurrecting the Soul." I am not far into the book and have not come yet to anything that grips my attention and takes my thoughts away.

I don't like to write to much about myself here, my true feelings I write in my diary. However, here are a couple of superficial updates in my life.

First, I landed a new job at my company. My responsibilities will be very interesting and challenging. I will be a clinical monitor and will be responsible for about 5 to 6 sites across the country. I am working on a study that is top priority to the organization, thus there is visibility at all times. Since I will be managing sites I will also be doing up to 50% of travel. With a minimum of 25%. I am not sure whether to be excited about that or not. Since I have never travelled for business before and that is still going to be the priority of course during those travels. In January in fact, I will be flown to Florida for some training that I missed two months ago when it was taking place in my company. I might get a couple of sites to manage that are located in California, which will mean travelling over there.

Second, as I might have mentioned or maybe not, I have now officially moved to my new apartment and I am loving it. I have not completely settled yet as I need more furniture.

Third, thing that is excited and thinking of it now, I should have included in as No.1. Is that Alaa, my ex might just might be coming here for New Years. He is working in Syria right now and when he returns to Cairo he will go to the American Embassy to see whether they will grant him a visiting visa. I really really hope they do. I want him to come and I missed him so much! He said he will go as soon as he comes back and if they grant it he said he will get the first flight. I have not seen him since Summer of 2007. The other day we spend over 2 hours talking on the phone and could have talked even longer had not the money run out on my second phone card. I hope and hope and hope everything goes well. That would be amazing.

The other thing that is kinda cool is that next week, Saturday my sisters and I will be going to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. All three of us have never gone together before to a concert. Well, we have been to Bosnian concerts but nothing like this. And I am looking forward to it.

Reminiscences

Sometimes I, like many others, like to reminiscent about the past. When you have been keeping a diary since the age of twelve that helps with recalling memories and taking yourself to a distant past that gives you joy and makes you smile. This is how I felt today when I read a passage of my diary written on Tuesday June 26, 2007, about my second day in Egypt.

"I am in the land of sand and palm trees. Out of the airplane I could see a couple of white-brownish apartment buildings and sand. No green could be seen our of the airplane. In the plane they told us that it is pretty hot out there. Well, the weather was 104 F which is about 40 C. The highest it has ever been so far this year, Alaa tells me. I land there and my suitcase is not there. I dunno but it did not arrive with Air France as I had expected. It took me awhile to explain to the Arabic person, Reymond is his name, that works with Air France. Although his English was good. That was yesterday at around 7 or 8 pm. This morning I called them and they told me, my bags arrived with Lufthansa and that they will deliver the bags today's. I gave them the addressee to Alaa's parents house. Within about 4 hours the bags arrived at his house. And he went to his parents house to get the bags. I am waiting here for him at our apartment for the summer in New Cairo.

Alaa is so happy that I am here and he is so so sweet. When I came yesterday his parents called to ask him if I came. Then his Dad wanted to speak to me and he was like "Welcome, welcome, welcome to Egypt. I hope you will have a great time and see the beauty of Egypt," he sounds a bit like a travel agent. Then he said "hopefully your parents can come too someday, we would like to invite them." Today we are supposed to go and meet them all, Alaa told me that they had invited a bunch of his family. I am a bit nervous. I rather first just meet his parents and later on I can come and meet the family. Cairo's traffic is a bit crazy...Once we got to the apartment we went out for a bit because I needed to call my parents to let them know I am here and everything is going good. So we went to the market place there was a small shop, there were alot of men and we told them who and where I need to call. Then they gave me a cell phone. Later on they checked the minute usage and charged me .80cents per minute. But Alaa paid for it. The market place was what I would call "pijaca." It was like 10 pm at night. People were buying fruit and vegetables. There were many cafes in which mostly older men sat and smoked shisha and watched music videos on TV monitors that were brought outside. There were some women but mostly men. We walked around a bit. Everything is new to me. I asked Alaa how long everything is open to and he replied that Cairo is a city that never sleeps. The cafes close when there are no more customers. But people are outside always. Alaa came I will continue this later. Thursday we are invited to Zo's birthday and tomorrow me might go to the Pyramids.

Food for thought

The other day I came across this quote and it made me pause for a few minutes.

It just resonated with me.

"When your life finally flashes before your eyes, you get one last look at all you've done... and one last chance to regret everything you have never tried."

Most of us live our lives to the fullest potential, most of us probably will never. How come? If we all live in America, in the land of opportunity what personal characteristics and circumstances inhibits some from reaching that fullest potential?

No Regret

No Fear

(One regrets a terrible mistake from the past, and that leads one to be reluctant to explore/try similar or even dissimilar new things)

Or is it the other way around?

No Fear, No Regret. Because fear is stronger and it is because of fear that we don't try everything that we wanted. At least that seems to be the direction that collective consciousness is going. I think this quote might just resonate with every individual on a different note.

Good vs. Evil

I guess the most difficult thing when I came to this country was trying to fit into this culture. I believe that one's religion definitely shapes once culture. This is why cultures across the world, from all corners of the earth can find similarities that are particularly strong when bound by the same religion. The greatest difficulty I am having in this part of the world, is this dynamic challenge between the good vs. the evil. This country in particular has this kind of obsession with this concept. In conversations I am constantly finding myself challenging my colleagues, or friends misconception that man can be born evil. That there is such a thing as an evil person. I cannot and will not except that because it goes against everything that I have been taught by my parents and consequently through them by my religion. However, how to express that? How to explain that to someone that wishes to believe and has been ingrained to believe that evil in a person can exist? That has been a challenge. As I was reading the book "The Road to Mecca" I found the following passage that sheds some light on what I desperately try to explain to my christian friends and colleagues.

..."It is on the basis of this conception that Islam, alone among all higher religions, regards the soul of man as one aspect of his 'personality' and not as an independent phenomenon in its own right. Consequently, to the Muslim, man's spiritual growth is inextricably bound up with all the other aspects of his nature. Physical urges are an integral part of this nature: not the result of an 'original sin' -a concept foreign to the ethics of Islam- but positive, God- giving forces, to be accepted and sensibly used as such; hence, the problem for man is not how to supress the demands of his body but, rather how to co-ordinate them with the demands of his spirit in such a way that life might become full and righteous.

The root of this almost monistic life-assertion is to be found in the Islamic view that man's original nature is essentially good. Contrary to Christian idea that man is born sinful, or the teaching of Hinduism that he is originally low and impure and must painfully stagger through a long chain of incarnations toward the ultimate goal of perfection, the Koran says:

'Verily, We create man in a perfect state' - a state of purity that may be destroyed only by subsequent wrong behavior- ' and thereupon We reduce him to the lowest of low, with the exception of those who have faith in God and do good works.'"

p. 147 of "The Road to Mecca"

I just LOVE that recital from the Koran- "We create man in a PERFECT state."

Morality

There were once two angels, Harut and Marut, who forgot to be humble, as it behoves angles to be, and boasted of their invincible purity: "We are made of light; we are above all sin and desire, unlike the weak sons of man, sons of a mother's dark womb." But they forgot that their purity had to come from their own strength, for they were pure only because they knew no desire and had never been called upon to resist it. Their arrogance displeased the Lord, and He said to them: " Go down to earth and stand your test there." The proud angels went down to earth and wandered, clothed in human bodies, among the sons of man. And on the very first night they came upon a woman whose beauty was so great that people called her The Shining One. When the angles looked at her with the human eyes and feelings they now had, they became confused and, just as if they had been sons of man, the desire possessed her arose in them. Each of them said to her: "Be willing unto me." But The Shining One answered: "There is one man to whom I belong; if you want me, you must free me of him." And they slew the man; and with the unjustly spilt blood still in their hands, they satisfied their burning lust with the woman. But as soon as the desire left them, the two erstwhile angels became aware that on their first night on earth they had sinned twofold- in murder and fornication-and that there had been no sense in their pride. .. And the Lord said: "Choose between punishment in this world and punishment in the Hereafter." In their bitter remorse, the fallen angles chose punishment in this world: and the Lord ordained that they be suspended on chains between heaven and earth and remain thus suspended until the Day of Judgement as a warning to angels and men that all virtue destroys itself if it loses humility. But as no human eye can see angels, God changed The Shining One into a star in the heavens so that people might always see her and, remembering her story remember the fate of Harut and Marut.

The outline of this legend is much older than Islam; it seems to have originated in one of the many myths which the ancient Semites wove around their goddess Ishtar, the Grecian Aphrodite of later days, both of whom were identified with the planet we now call Venus. But in the form in which I heard it, the story of Harut and Marut is a typical creation of the Muslim mind, an illustration of the idea that abstract purity, or freedom form sin, can have no moral meaning so long as it is based on a mere absence of urges and desires; for is not the recurrent necessity of choosing between right and wrong the premise of all morality?

Poor Harut and Marut did not know this. Because as angels they had never been exposed to temptation, they had considered themselves pure and morally far above man- not realizing that thedenial of the 'legitimacy' of bodily urges would indirectly imply a denial of all moral value in human endeavours; for it is only the presence of urges, temptations and conflicts- the possibility of choice- which makes man, and him alone, into a moral being: a being endowed with a soul.

p. 146-147 of "The Road to Mecca"

Concert Follow Up

Last night was fucked up. All day long I was on the go and a bit tired. After work, I went straight to the Aveda Juut Salon where I do my hair. We did some things a bit differently and like usually it takes about three hours. At work in the afternoon I called my sister to see whether she wanted to go to the concert. I also told her that Ambriz will be going and she got mad about that and threatened with having to reconsider whether she wants to go now. That was a bit stressful. I call Ambriz and tell him he can't go with us. She calls me back and tells me she will be going but hates to have to lie to Mom about everything (this was before she knew I had told him he can't go with us). While in the salon I was so tired and the three hours seemed to go by to slow. I kept on losing concentration and it was very difficult for me to sit still. I came out at around 8 pm, and very hungry. I stopped at a local Cub to pick up some cash from the ATM machine and than I went quickly to McDonalds in a rush to order something to go. In the meantime my sister has called me to tell me she is on her way to my place. I kept on eating while I was driving, when I came home my sister was already there. I did her make-up and she suggested that we open a bottle of wine that I had just received yesterday from Phil as a house warming present. So I opened the wine and gave her a glass and poured a glass for myself. Than I got ready. We finally were ready and jump into the car to go to downtown. We go into a parking ramp and park, when I realize that I had forgotten my drivers license! Super, way to go, had to go back into the car and drive back home and get the drivers license. We finally did get there and the music was great everything was cool. Well, I haven't been drinking anything for at least 2 months, because there was Ramadan when drinking alcohol during that holy month is even worse of a sin. So I started drinking, and actually I didn't drink that much. I think overall, I only had three drinks, but I think I drank them to fast and faster than how I usually drink. I might have also been hungry. Before you know it, it was 12:30 am and I was ridiculously drunk. In fact I have never been that drunk in my life. Ok, so that is an embarrassment as is. But guess what happens next! Out of all that frustration with my life and the relationships around me, I started sobbing!!!! Yes, imagine how stupid it looks, everyone is having fun, Armin came out, he is giving his best, people yelling, laughing, having a hell of a good time. And there is me, hardly able to stand not only from the alcohol but also from the tears that just wouldn't stop and the sobbing. I couldn't control the tears and the emotions no matter how much I tried. My sister reacted quickly and we went out, driving in the direction of my place.

Concert Tonight

Boo! I am going to see Armin van Buuren at the Epic tonight! I am super excited and am looking forward to it. After work I have an appointment to retouch my highlights. I am thinking to add some redish color along with the blond for the fall. After this 3 hour appointment my hair will be ready for going out. A couple of weeks ago I bought this super nice and sexy little black dress from BCBG, I might be wearing it tonight, but it is so cold. I will be going with my sister and Ambrizoo. I might take some pictures and post it on my blog.

Karl Marx

Guess what Karl Marx's last words were before dying?

"Go on, Get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough."

Sister of Mine

This sister of mine is called Aida. She is very bright, when she was only 12 years old she wrote these two poems for me. The second poem was inspired by the family trip we took from America to Bosnian and Croatia in the summer of 2001. I treasure them very much and have put them in my book of quotes.

My Sister

My sister sometimes she's cold blooded, sometimes she is mean, but by all means she's scary too. She talks on the phone with Meg and Sue from 4 to 5 everyday. She drives me crazy all the time. Whoe wore what and why to school? Who cares I say. She makes me want to climb up the wall, but despite all I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Croatia

Last year I went to Croatia. Me and my 2 sisters crammed in the back of my grandpa's Golf, listening to old Britany Spears. We drove by the mountain side, we drove by the sea. Till I finally thought I was going to be sick. From time to time I would look at my sister, and I saw the look in her blue eyes. It looked like she was seeking something in the sea, like a memory that was lost forever. I turned around and thought teenagers.

I would say that is very damn good for a little twelve year old. Sometimes I wonder whether she knows how much I love her.

Egypt

After graduating from college, I decided to go on a long vacation. My vacation was originally planned to be two months. However, due to circumstances I had to cut it short and ended up spending three weeks with my than time boyfriend visiting him in his home country, Egypt. And then another week in Munich visiting my aunt after 10 years and seeing meeting my uncle for the first time. Since she had married three years earlier. Egypt left an impressing feeling in me. I had an amazing good time and I saw so many things. I was on my first vacation since I had started college on top of that I was visiting my boyfriend. I had always lived at home and did not know fully, freedom. And it was freedom, complete freedom that I got on that trip. We did everything and anything that we wanted to do at any time of the day at night. It was a vacation in which we had breakfast at 2 pm and went to bed at 7 am, when others say good morning to each other we said good night. In those rare occasions when we did go to bed early, at maybe 12 am, we could hear kids outside screaming, running and playing. As I lay next to Alaa and listened to those kids playing I felt so completely at peace and I felt a great happiness. Maybe because those noises outside from the kids reminded me in a way of my childhood in my own country, when us kids in the whole neighborhood would come together and play late at night, the game hide and seek, but we didn't play it inside, instead the neighborhood kids played hide and seek and there were no boundaries, you could hide three or four blocks away. Even to this day in my country kids play outside always, even late at night and they have a childish innocence and freedom that kids in America don't have. So maybe that is why I felt so at peace and I slept so good those nights. Now when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep because it's as if someone woke me up to ask me about my life, my goals and accomplishments, during such nights when I try to force myself to go to sleep and try to block negative thoughts, I close my eyes and deeply try to imagine those nights (try to relive those nights in my imagination) when I laid next to Alaa in our apartment at the outskirts of Cairo, listening to those kids playing outside. And sometimes

that does work and I fall back to sleep.

The Road to Mecca

I am at the moment reading this book titled "The Road to Mecca" by Muhammad Asad. It is an autobiography of a European Jew who in the 1920's travelled to Palestine and after some time was intrigued with the Arab character and the Muslim way of life that he stayed started travelling in Saudi Arabia and eventually converted to Islam. It is an amazing book, it is not written like other autobiographies, from the beginning of ones life to the end in every detail. Instead, it is almost as if fictional he starts with his adventures in the desert, or his friendship with the Saudi King Abd al-Aziz ibn Saud and he describes his early life in bits here in there almost like some flashbacks. It is very wonderfully written. Usually, I find autobiographies to be extremely boring and dull but to my amazement this book I cannot pick down.
Eventually, Muhammad Asad learns Arabic and translates the Quran in English, of which I also have a version. This is an excerpt of the book that touched me this morning as I read before breakfast. They are the words of an religious Arab who is answering young Asad's (when Asad was twenty two and not yet a believer of Islam) question of why Muslim's repeatedly bow and kneel in prostration during prayer.

"How else should we worship God? Did he not create both, soul and body together? And this being so, should man not pray with his body as well as with his soul? Listen, I will tell you why we Muslim pray as wel pray. We turn toward the Kaaba, God's holy temple in Mecca, knowing that the faces of all Muslims, wherever they may be, are turning to it in prayer, and that we are like one body, with Him as the centre of our thoughts. First we stand upright and recite from the Holy Koran, remembering that it is His word, given to man that he may be upright and steadfast in life. Then we say, "God is the Greatest,"reminding ourselves that no one deserves to be worshipped but Him; and bow down deep because we honour Him above all, and praise His power and glory. Thereafter we prostrate ourselves on our foreheads because we feel that we are but dust and nothingness before Him, and that He is our Creator and Sustainer on high. Then we lift our faces from the ground and remain sitting, praying that He forgive us our sins and bestow His grace upon us, and guide us aright, and give us health and sustenance. Then we again prostate ourselves on the ground and touch the dust with our foreheads before the might and glory of the One. After that, we remain sitting and pray that He bless the Prophet Muhammad who brought his message to us just as he blessed the earlier prophets; and that He bless us as well and all those who follow the right guidance; and we ask Him to give us of the good of this world and of the good of the world to come. In the end we turn our heads to the right and to the left, saying, "Peace and the Grace of God be upon you" - and thus greet all whoe are righteous, wherever they may be. 'It was thus that our Prophet used to pray and taught his followers to pray for all times, so that they might willingly surrender themselves to God - which is what Islam means - and so be at peace with Him and with their own destiny.'

Untitled- Inspirational

"I managed to save many children's lives, but sometimes I just couldn't. The sorrow and regret stay with you forever. The impotence felt at the time motivates me to act against racism, the exploitation of human beings and the frequent indolence of those who accept things as they are." Aleida Guevara

Facebook

A minute ago, I was so about to delete my facebook account. I have had that account for years. There are pictures, notes, and I have like 45 friends on there. I logged into my account and I always see the same people putting status updates and pictures, and some of them actually the majority of them are from college or high school and I never speak to them anymore. That is to say we don't call each other on the phone, we don't go out, we don't even communicate via facebook. So what is the point of logging in and seeing their status updates, their pictures, etc. And the worst is that it is always the same people that come up on that Mini Feed. I am seriously considering blocking my account. If people care and want to talk to me either call me or send me an email. I have lost interest in facebook. Yet in some ways I find it addicting, you can know anything about those long lost friends without even actually communicating to them. That in and of itself is just pathetic and I feel every time I check my facebook account, which is usually daily, I feel that I am in a way pathetic as well. There is just no good use for it anymore. I remember during college it was kinda interesting and helpful, but now it is just old. I was very much going to delete the account but what stopped me is that just recently my little cousin in Bosnia and my aunt in Germany joined facebook. It would be wonderful if we can use facebook to exchange pictures. ........I left my desk to speak to my sister. And she told me I might be able to either deactivate it without losing pictures and so on, or I should just block everyone else. Hmmm, I think I will just go ahead and block 90% of the people that have added me because there is just no use to be friends on there when in reality in real life we are not friends any longer.

Ramadan

Yesterday was the official start of Ramadan. Ramadan is a time to look into your inner soul and to purify oneself and thereby come closer to Allah. It is a month during which we Muslims are obligated to fast from sun rise to sun down, that means no food, no water and no other human necessities. We have a calendar that we use to guide us on when to stop eating and when to break the fast, since every day this varies by a couple of minutes.

The holy month of Ramadan is not just about fasting, it is also brings us closer to our loved ones and our friends. If I was in my country in Bosnia every evening someone would invite my family and I to come and break the fast with them and have a huge feast. Can you imagine having every day for a whole month a huge feats for dinner? And the eating usually does not stop just after dinner, instead people eat all kinds of variety of dishes and desserts throughout the evening in celebration. Every Muslim country I believe has their own way of celebrating the holy month. In Egypt I was told that no shops or restaurants work during the day and that during the evening after the fast is broken people begin to work and there are huge celebrations going on outside. People go to restaurants, and there is a variety of entertainment all evening and all night long until it is time to stop eating again and the sun rises. My ex boyfriend liked Ramadan so much that once when he was supposed to come to the United States he told me , to my surprise that it is Ramadan in his country that he will miss the most.

In dedication to this month and in an attempt to raise awareness, I will post an interesting fact about Ramadan every day of this month.

Writing Reviews

I am still on an apartment search, I am finding it to be more difficult than I had imagined. There are so many things to think about, distance from work, location, parking, price, square feet, etc, etc. I have found it important to go online and read reviews on the apartments from previous or current tenants. It's a great way to find out about the neighborhood and the apartment in general. Many times I have liked the apartment when I looked at it but have not chosen to go with it since there were some disturbing reviews that were writen. I just hope that people don't just write out of anger and emotion but do consider everything as a whole when they write. Therefore, I hope that more people write reviews on everything, I know that I will in the future, because I have seen how powerful and helpful it can be if done correctly. By the way I will go today and look at a few apartments but I think I know which one I will be going with, it's an apartment I looked at on Tuesday.

For Rent

So today officially I started looking for an apartment. This time I guess it is for real. I know I have said it many times before that I will move out of my parents house but now it seems it has become a pressing issue that I should and absolutely need to. I have already told my parents that I will be moving out and that I will accept their help in guiding me on finding an apartment. I am not sure what they will say to that, because you see they have been ignoring me since last night. Yesterday it was SSunday and I came home at 10 pm only to find my mother yelling at me. She does not like the people I hang out with and she does not like the fact that I go out to much. But you see I believe that I don't go out enough, I maybe go out once in a week, sometimes not even that. And the "people" I hang out are not drug addicts, or criminals. It is not the point of going out, the point is that I want to go out without being afraid of what my parents will say and not worrying whether we will fight afterwards. Our culture is very very different than the American culture in which we live. My parents would expect me to live with them until I get married or in my case until I go to Medical School. But they put to much pressure on me to medical school so much that I almost feel like giving up working for it. After all I just want to be happy. They don't get that, they believe one has to be well accomplished to be happy. In my case I believe that being in medical school would align with my happiness, however, I disagree that one has to be well accomplished to be happy.

There are just to many things going on and I feel like I need to move out to be able to concentrate on myself and help them as well. I know that our relationship is very constrained right now but I sincerely feel that it can only get better if I move out. I am sick and tired of going through fights and arguments and verbal abuse over and over again without anything changing. Sometimes when I see what is going on and how we do things around here, I feel like a lab rat that gets an electric shock whenever it touches a stimulus, but that nonetheless keeps on touching the stimulus without modification to behavior or action. That is in a way of how we do things, we fight today and nothing comes out of it, we ignore each other until we forget what happened and than shortly afterwards we begin the cycle again. But this time I say I need to break out of this cycle and I know it will be difficult because they want to hang on to me for some reason. I say that because this is effecting me physically, mentally and the relationships around me.

I do love both of my parents, we have both had a very difficult journey these last 18 years. My parents fled a war in order to save their children and than they moved to the United States in order for their children to have a better future. They came with three children and two suitcases to this country. Now they are well accomplished and have everything they need. And I have enormous respect for that, respect that maybe I am willing to admit I don't show as much as I should. And I don't tell them that they have done a great job. However, all my life I have felt that they are trying to live through me, especially my mom. They say that they have put everything in me and had great hopes for me. They say I am who I am because they have given me so much attention, I am not sure whether that is the complete truth because I was always intellectually inclined. Right now I have not meet their expectations, I am not in medical school. And of course, they are not proud of me for anything that I have done in the past years of my life. In fact my mother just told me yesterday she has nothing to be proud of. Oh my god, I have heard that so many times that it does not touch me anymore at all. Now they think I am wasting my life and am a disgrace to them, what is worse is that my middle sister believes that she and my younger sister have been lacking in parental attention because everything of course, was given to me. You see everything gets blamed on me, for something that I am not responsible for. I feel that I am lucky and doomed at the same time. Lucky, perhaps since so much attention was given to me and doomed because there is no way to please them. At least the way they want me to please them is just impossible for a twenty five year old in our modern world.

On a happy note, I did go to look at a few apartments in downtown minneapolis. They were all studios, a little bit older buildings and were all wood furnished, which I like. I liked only 1 out of the 3 that I saw, but the one that I liked was on the main floor on the ground. I would have three huge windows but I would never be able to leave them open or keep the blinds up, because anyone just stading outside could practically look into my windows. Actually anyone could climb into them. And all of this in downtown minneapolis in an area I dont know much about. Hmmm, I thought I better re-think that. So I am back on a search, which I just started.

Piercing

Today was a not-so good day for me. Actually, today was TERRIBLE. On top of everything that happened today, I noticed that the area around my belly ring was becoming redder and was hurting me. I decided to go to Saint Sabrina's, where I initially got my navel pierced in order to have them check it out. A couple of months ago I had gone in to see what navel jewelry they had. I still had the same navel ring on from when my best friend and I had our navel's pierced 6 years ago.

When I went in a couple months ago I had seen a couple of nice rings with which I wanted to replace my current one with. My little sister accompanied me to the tattoo place. This was her first time EVER in a tattoo shop, well she is only 12 years old and I am so the coolest sister ever. She even saw someone getting a tattoo. It makes me wonder whether I am setting a good example. Either way, the employees at Saint Sabrina's were extremely professional and nice. They immediately looked at my concern and I had an opportunity to ask about the rings I had an eye on for some time. They told me that I did not need to replace my current one and that the area around the ring probably was irritated while I was running.

However, I wanted to get my previous ring replaced. And so I did, with the advise of my little "angle from heaven" (as I call her), I picked this blue opal, platinum ring. It ended up costing me way to much, but I am happy with it and I know that I will have it at least another 6 years. The perfect thing to add here is also that I set a wonderful example, my little sister will get her ears re-pierced for the once and for all final time (hopefully final but if not she will pay the second time ;)). We were able to get good advise on their procedure of piercing ears and she was put to ease.

We will be probably going there next week with our mother since I am not her legal guardian and they are strict about this. I had also inquired on how old one has to be in order to get their nose pierced, since she was interested in doing that as well some day. Unfortunately, we will have to wait till she is 16 and we can both do it together on her birthday.

A Surprise Call

The other day, I received a phone call late in the evening. I was unable to take the call and the person was forwarded to my voicemail. Later on I checked my missed calls, and saw that Kelly, my long time friend, had called me. I could not believe that she had called, considering that we have not talked in ages, it has probably been a good year or more since I spoke to her last. Kelly and I had meet in a Spanish class, actually Spanish linguistics. It was the worst class that anyone could take and we both hated it. The hate for that class in fact brought us together.

In my surprise to see that she had called me I quickly dialed my voicemail, entered my password and had to listen to 5 other messages I had skipped in the past, in order to hear her voicemail. It is to bad that I have not saved her message in order to repeat it word for word. Basically, it went something like this: "Hi Alma, I am in Picosa right now with Lorehinjo, I found out that he is going to Mexico, probably indefinitely and I thought that to call you and see if you wanted to come out and wish him well." When I heard this, I thought to myself Ok?...has she been drinking? Well she seems she has everything straight...this is not a message you expect to get from someone you have not hear from in such a long time. Especially since I have only seen that guy, Lorehinjo (I am not sure if this is the correct spelling of his name) probably twice, casually while salsa dancing and even this was probably 2 years ago. As you might guess I did not go out that night, it was to late already and the salsa night at Picosa ends early by the time I would have gotten ready and gotten there everything would have been over anyways. I just ended up leaving a message on her Facebook wall saying that I regret not being able to come out but that next week Wednesday would be a good time to meet and wish him well.

Sometimes I say things that I really don't feel and/or don't want to do in order to be polite. And I thought that suggesting to meet another time in order to wish this guy farewell was a polite thing to do. I guess that some Americans would find me phony in such situations where they could clearly see what I say and what I really believe is not the same. However, I think it's just my culture in some way that makes me do these things, because in my culture that would be expected to "act polite' irregardless of whether my actions/words and true inner feelings about the action/words are in alignment.

Those unavoidable Runs

I got my butt out there for a run today. It is amazing how many excuses one creates in order to delay the unavoidable. It seems there is never the right time. Now I see that registering for the Twin Cities 10 Mile Run and paying that $70 something fee was well worth it, because it motivates me to train. After all I don't want to be out there among so many people and probably one of the youngest but yet the slowest. Don't give me wrong, I do regularly run when I exercise in the gym but this, a run 10 miles, from Minneapolis to St.Paul is the farthest distance I have ever even attempted to run. I went out there and had a difficult time running my first 2 miles. I kept on breathing heavily for some reason and couldn't get the appropriate breathing rhythm down. The next 2 miles however went like a breeze, that is, once I turned off the ipod, and started deliberately concentrated on my breathing, I was able to catch get the breathing rhythm down, and started to control my breathing. It's amazing how great it feels to just concentrate on your body and what its telling you during the run, it has the same effect on me as meditation. I must say though, the first mile or two are the worst, that is when one is most likely to quit because it is the hardest. I am not sure why but the body probably is trying to adjust, to the increased demand for oxygen and the vital quick conversion of glucose to energy.

A Sunday

Its amazing how fast these weekends go by. This morning I woke up a bit late, and went to the bank in Uptown in order to pick up the check card I lost on Friday. On Friday I withdrew some money and forgot my card in the ATM machine. On Saturday I was looking for it and realized where I had forgotten it. I was amazed that no transactions were made on my card and that an extremely kind person had turned it in. This is a surprise especially in that area.

Before stopping at the bank, my sisters and walked around Lake Calhoun. While in that area we stumbled across the annual Art Fair that is currently going on. Initially all we wanted was get the famous cheese curds that my friend always praises are "to die for". But as things never go as planned, we ended up spending a lot of time there and actually did not end up getting cheese curds. Instead, we bought other delicious food and I also bought a gorgeous silver and precious stone ring from an artist.

I must say I am amazed at what some people are selling. There was this artist that travels the world and takes photos of places and people. She than sells those photos for an enormous amount of money. Each photo is like 200 bucks. Is that art? I guess that is for everyone to judge for themselves.

When we returned home, my mom and my sisters ended up having a delicious summer lunch on the deck. And I took a picture of a cucumber in my mothers garden. We don't know how it happened that the cucumber grew through the fence, but it definitely made us chuckle.

I also ended up taking a picture of a flower that my mother insists is a rose. I don't think I have ever before seen a rose that consists of two colors. "What's in a rose," right?

Weekend

The weekend has officially begun. I worked today till 4 pm in order to get home earlier but also to beat the traffic. Lately the traffic has become unbearable and a trip that would take me 30 minutes is taking with the traffic 2 hours at time. It is the worst between 4:30 to 6:00 pm, that's why I am very good off leaving any time before. When I got home I was thinking maybe to study for a bit before going with my sister to the movies. Next week is my test, and this time there is no way I will void it. This time its for real. And I am finally ready to overcome my fears and to master that test. However, instead, of studying (which lately has just become so difficult) I decided to go for what I thought would be a quick run. According to my training schedule for the 10 mile, which I got off the Internet, I am supposed to run today 3 miles. There is a lake near my house whose circumference is about 1.96 miles, usually I run twice. Since all day it was rainy I decided to go right away after work while it had stopped raining. So that is what I did, although it was a bit difficult and the second lap I was not able to run but instead walked. I decided that I need to get a book or some other educational materials about the diet one should eat while training for such a huge event. I believe that my diet needs some improvement. Another factor I blame for my lethargy is the fact that I did not get enough sleep last night. Anyways, I did the best that I could, tomorrow is a rest day and than Sunday I am supposed to be putting in 5 miles. It seems to much considering that I just started officially training this week. Shouldn't I be taking it easy? I should note this training schedule I got off the Internet is for beginners. Yeiks. I came home only to quickly take a shower and get ready for a movies night with my sister, Aida. Aida just came home from Bosnia after spending over a month there. I have been busy and have not had that much time to spend with her. Tonight is the night. We are going to watch the thriller that is coming out today, I believe its called "A Perfect Gataway." Afterwards we might hit Uptown. Will see how it goes. Tomorrow however, definitely is a study day, and so is Sunday...

Cirque du Soleil

I just came back from a cirque du soleil performance. I came home late for that I have to be at work early the next morning. However, I must say that it was a spectacular performance that left me thinking afterwards I left thinking, about how amazing the human body is. The human body is perfect, it is designed flawlessly and on top of that it is beautiful and graceful. The human body is a perfection of design that no science could ever replicate not tomorrow, not a decade from now, whether one believes that this is the creation of the divine or a result of evolution is a interesting discussion question. When I saw the performers move and bend in all those ways, I was astonished of what the human body can do. Acrobatics,-gymnastics, dance and other arts such as singing have always fascinated me. People that do acrobatics to me see so free and happy. When they practice and when they perform they are taken back into a different world. In a world where all that matters is their body, how it moves, how it projects and how it feels to them. It is definitely calming and exhilarating. I remember when I went to salsa lessons every Sunday. Every time when done, my muscles would hurt but there was also some kind of alleviation. The alleviation was from the daily burdens and stresses of my everyday life. I left feeling so incredibly hurt, but also so incredibly energetic about life in general. I wonder whether those performs yesterday felt the same way. And than of course, there is the passion that goes into doing acrobatics, or singing or doing any kind of art. The passion comes out for me when I dance, and knowing that others are watching me and might even be admiring me gives me a happy feeling. I am sure that these performers after finishing their part must have felt the same, a happiness that their hard work of practicing had paid of and that they had left the audience breathless. These physical forms of art are amazingly powerful. I admire such people so much because deep inside me somewhere, I know that had I chosen any other profession than the one in which I am heading, I would have wanted to be a performer of some sort.

Reconnecting

Finally, after a very long hiatus and some difficulty I am reconnecting here, with a determination to keep it up this time. This morning I was thinking possibly to join twitter, but then I reconsidered and decided that twitter is really not very useful. Twitter is more for random status updates that no one cares about and no one wants to read. During the course of deciding whether or not to join twitter I realized that I still had this blog! I find that having a blog is more useful since it forces me to reflect on something and it forces me to write something coherently. It also can serve as a diary, except that this diary is open to everyone. Another advantage is the fact that contrary to what I thought prior to today, the blog once created will never expire, thus it is out there on the web forever, even if one does not log into it for years. Such was my case. When I tried to retrieve my blog and sign in, I had a difficult time remembering what email and password I used originally. I must say after hours of searching and guessing, but I was determined since I did not want to have to set this all up from scratch. I must say that the "Help" links attached to this website are not helpful at all. But either way I am back.