For Rent

So today officially I started looking for an apartment. This time I guess it is for real. I know I have said it many times before that I will move out of my parents house but now it seems it has become a pressing issue that I should and absolutely need to. I have already told my parents that I will be moving out and that I will accept their help in guiding me on finding an apartment. I am not sure what they will say to that, because you see they have been ignoring me since last night. Yesterday it was SSunday and I came home at 10 pm only to find my mother yelling at me. She does not like the people I hang out with and she does not like the fact that I go out to much. But you see I believe that I don't go out enough, I maybe go out once in a week, sometimes not even that. And the "people" I hang out are not drug addicts, or criminals. It is not the point of going out, the point is that I want to go out without being afraid of what my parents will say and not worrying whether we will fight afterwards. Our culture is very very different than the American culture in which we live. My parents would expect me to live with them until I get married or in my case until I go to Medical School. But they put to much pressure on me to medical school so much that I almost feel like giving up working for it. After all I just want to be happy. They don't get that, they believe one has to be well accomplished to be happy. In my case I believe that being in medical school would align with my happiness, however, I disagree that one has to be well accomplished to be happy.

There are just to many things going on and I feel like I need to move out to be able to concentrate on myself and help them as well. I know that our relationship is very constrained right now but I sincerely feel that it can only get better if I move out. I am sick and tired of going through fights and arguments and verbal abuse over and over again without anything changing. Sometimes when I see what is going on and how we do things around here, I feel like a lab rat that gets an electric shock whenever it touches a stimulus, but that nonetheless keeps on touching the stimulus without modification to behavior or action. That is in a way of how we do things, we fight today and nothing comes out of it, we ignore each other until we forget what happened and than shortly afterwards we begin the cycle again. But this time I say I need to break out of this cycle and I know it will be difficult because they want to hang on to me for some reason. I say that because this is effecting me physically, mentally and the relationships around me.

I do love both of my parents, we have both had a very difficult journey these last 18 years. My parents fled a war in order to save their children and than they moved to the United States in order for their children to have a better future. They came with three children and two suitcases to this country. Now they are well accomplished and have everything they need. And I have enormous respect for that, respect that maybe I am willing to admit I don't show as much as I should. And I don't tell them that they have done a great job. However, all my life I have felt that they are trying to live through me, especially my mom. They say that they have put everything in me and had great hopes for me. They say I am who I am because they have given me so much attention, I am not sure whether that is the complete truth because I was always intellectually inclined. Right now I have not meet their expectations, I am not in medical school. And of course, they are not proud of me for anything that I have done in the past years of my life. In fact my mother just told me yesterday she has nothing to be proud of. Oh my god, I have heard that so many times that it does not touch me anymore at all. Now they think I am wasting my life and am a disgrace to them, what is worse is that my middle sister believes that she and my younger sister have been lacking in parental attention because everything of course, was given to me. You see everything gets blamed on me, for something that I am not responsible for. I feel that I am lucky and doomed at the same time. Lucky, perhaps since so much attention was given to me and doomed because there is no way to please them. At least the way they want me to please them is just impossible for a twenty five year old in our modern world.

On a happy note, I did go to look at a few apartments in downtown minneapolis. They were all studios, a little bit older buildings and were all wood furnished, which I like. I liked only 1 out of the 3 that I saw, but the one that I liked was on the main floor on the ground. I would have three huge windows but I would never be able to leave them open or keep the blinds up, because anyone just stading outside could practically look into my windows. Actually anyone could climb into them. And all of this in downtown minneapolis in an area I dont know much about. Hmmm, I thought I better re-think that. So I am back on a search, which I just started.